Illustration: Laia Arqueros Claramunt
It’s per night in April 2013, I am also going to enter men’s West Hollywood bedroom after all of our second time. This mans bedroom is a basement, and, strolling along the grey carpeted stairways I think of this pivotal line from the 2007 movie
Zodiac:
“few individuals have basements in Ca.” I’m not sure what kind of individual would choose to hole upwards in a cellar, but once We enter this mans, We see a multitude of guns: a cane blade, a few daggers, a Freddy Krueger glove.
This man’s basement space is plagued by weapons. Versus turning about and walking out like many folks would when confronted with a bunch of in private possessed guns, I go, “Is that a Klingon Bat’leth?” Since this is me now. You will find recognized my fate as Hana Michels: local woman to fuck All the Sword Guys. (As far as I can inform, a Sword chap is actually a person whom accumulates swords, beliefs swords, or provides ever before made use of the term “respect the blade.”) We invested 3 years of living with a person the master of a Klingon Bat’leth. And a cane sword. And a Freddy Glove. And lots of daggers. In reality, should you decide experience a sword guy in a large coastal town, you have to know that I’ve had intercourse with him.
We honestly think there isn’t any much better demo of sexism inside our community as compared to fact that we speak about pet girls however sword dudes (and that I cannot suggest to disparage either). This is certainly despite the fact that the changeover into the sword-guy lifestyle is actually swifter: A woman really needs, let’s say, more than three cats before the woman cat ownership becomes a lifestyle statement and other people deem their a “pet girl.” However if a guy only mounts a single katana on his wall surface he’s claiming, “That’s it, this might be myself today.” Yet we never mention sword guys?
We familiar with think it was because blade guys merely can be found regarding the Coasts, as well as in Middle America “sword guys” are “gun men.” But my personal sword-guy stand-up product went over very well in Arizona this present year, and many associated with blade dudes i have connected with happen transplants whom took their unique swords together on their journey to either Coast. In addition, sword-demo YouTube films be seemingly shot all over the country and also the sword
subreddit
looks popular for the globe. Sword guys tend to be a genuine class men and women â we simply aren’t referring to all of them. We feel cat girls have “given upwards,” but men whoever bedroom is littered with tools continues to be super-inviting. Trust in me, because we seemingly see them super-inviting.
It’s not possible to merely identify a blade guy throughout the street (unless you’re me personally), because sword guys lack many unifying features. Unlike “gun guys,” sword guys don’t seem for any governmental beliefs in keeping, unless “swords are cool and I like slicing through plastic containers” is actually a political belief. You will think all sword men tend to be nerds, but this is simply not correct. They could be nerds, they might be jocks, they might even be a hybrid of the two.
Sword guys are not necessarily social outcasts, often. They simply have actually friends that cool with going out around a number of swords. Often, they are white men obsessed with Japanese culture, but this isn’t a guideline: My personal ex aided by the Bat’leth was not (though he had been totally a white guy with black colored framed cups, since top uniform associated with blade guy is exactly exactly like the uniform of Zodiac Killer). In reality, the one thing I’m able to say sword men have as a common factor just isn’t caring perhaps the times they buying believe they are a serial killer. Additionally, they prefer swords i assume.
Unlike you, i could recognize blade dudes without actually ever having seen their swords. Not long ago I connected with someone that’d heard my sword-guy jokes and said, “Don’t worry, I have no swords. IN ADDITION WE HAVE FOUND A BIT OF SHARON TATE’S FIREPLACE I RECENTLY OCCUR TO HAVE.” You are aware Sharon Tate! From CHARLES MANSON MURDERING HER! God, kindly i’d like to return to sword guys.
If you are gonna fuck a number of sword guys it is vital to know which blade guys are now well worth banging. I determined a hierarchy of sword guys therefore goes as follows:
Man with replica swords from pop-culture things he wants.
This person is fairly cool. He might actually make these swords from scratch for cosplay reasons, that is a proper ability. We’ll take a Star Trek Bat’leth over a QVC katana any time. He understands exactly what he enjoys and he’s never daunted by having to reveal it. Fuck yeah.
Man with typical swords.
Every man with a consistent sword begins with the exact same “limited model” (notice: “limited release” implies absolutely nothing) QVC/eBay katana. Katanas will be the Bulbasaur of sword getting, and also this guy desires be a genuine sword grasp. He may or might not make YouTube demonstration videos in his Karate Gi playing unknown material songs.
Guy just who helps to keep a dagger under his pillow for “protection.”
operate, operate, operate, operate FROM THIS GUY. In addition if this option value protection really WHY DO IT NEVER HAVE CONDOMS?
After connecting with a number of sword guys I made a decision I’d better start exploring sword-guy culture. A beneficial place to start understanding sword men is to kind “my katana sword” when you look at the YouTube look club. You can use sets from sword unboxing, weapon-collection overviews, to my personal favorite: men slicing situations within their backyards, once again, frequently over material songs. There is no lack of white men in Karate Gis right here. Some movies show individuals testing and hammering their particular swords to let consumers determine if they can be a worthwhile purchase. Although I not witnessed a sword man actually utilize his sword for certainly not decoration, ALL OF THEM ARE WILLING TO. And they will tell you as such. Before making aside.
You will observe the sporadic sword girl within sword-guy movie search. Cannot read her commentary. If there is a factor I learned about sword society, it really is that blade ladies have earned better than the YouTube feedback they get (hence white men and women are obsessed with Japanese weaponry). Another way to understand sword-guy tradition is see an inordinate quantity of QVC. I recommend doing this from a medical facility bed, and that means you don’t feel bad about viewing an inordinate number of QVC. Please be aware that, as a bit of good blade man will say to you, most of the swords on QVC tend to be overhyped. But that’s the character of QVC that is certainly what makes it thus fun to view from your own medical facility sleep and/or Ca cellar room filled up with tools.
The greater number of I delved into an online sword-guy bunny gap, the greater I realized the realm of blade individuals is just too varied and I don’t have any hope of unifying and recognizing it, no matter what a lot of sword dudes I meet. Every sword guy differs from the others. Although some certainly have actually dreams of preserving damsels in stress and you should positively steer clear of those people, other people imagine their own swords seem cool, or are really into
Game of Thrones
. Some swords tend to be holdovers from youth, others tend to be lifelong choices.
I’ve been undertaking some sword-guy jokes during my stand-up act for over a year now and much more often than perhaps not some guy comes up to me following tv series and states “which is myself!” or DMs me a photograph of his blade. These dudes are thrilled to understand they are not alone. And aren’t. The field of sword dudes is diverse, but every sword guy stocks a typical record. Since they’ve all had sex beside me.